Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason is a Typical New Yorker
"He’s come back, and you’re ALL going to die."
Editor's note: Welcome to "Awesome Reviews," a column dedicated to the most ridiculous, over-the-top, and amazing films we can find. Note that this review contains spoilers, but that won't make you want to watch this classic any less, I assure you.
No real introduction needed here. This is 1 hour and 40 minutes of fucking Jason Voorhees, the hockey mask wearing tower of pure terror. Let’s begin. The first two teenagers (doing some good old fashioned body exploration on a boat) start us off by telling us the legend of Jason Voorhees as they happen to be sailing on Crystal Lake. They die pretty quickly thereafter and Admiral Voorhees drives his new-found vessel to the nearest port.
This port also happens to have a cruise ship full of graduating high school seniors going to New York City of all places. Now, you may have some questions about the whole “how did Jason get from a lake to either the Hudson river or Atlantic Ocean?” thing, but we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about the pure 1989 (great year by the way) AWESOME-ness that ensues. Needless to say, Jason finds himself on the high school cruise and he is definitely NOT a great chaperone, as he immediately kills one of the students by bashing her head in with a guitar. He just runs amok on this fuckin’ boat the whole time. It’s pretty gnarly. Pretty much everyone else dies too, but I’ll detail that below. It’s phenomenal.
Fast forward and we’re now getting off our life boat, as the cruise ship went down after Jason blew up the engine room. This was an accident, obviously, because he sets off the fire alarm to let his fellow passengers know something is wrong. The 2 chaperones, the final girl, final guy, and one other survivor – the class tough guy – climb up the ladder to the streets of Manhattan. They’re immediately met with some street trash junkie types wielding guns and horrible motives.
These jerks kidnap the final girl! There's no way Jason would allow this, because she is HIS to kill. That guy gets a heroin syringe plunged into, then through, the middle of his back and chest. What a fuckin' baller Jason is. Did I mention for him to have gotten to Manhattan, he had to have either swam or just pimp-walked across the bottom of the ocean? Well, he did, and he killed a guy with a heroin needle. The lesser punk dies too. Steam pipe to the head. Classic.
Ultimately, Jason tracks down and kills everyone except the final girl and guy, and he almost whoops them too, but they’re in the city sewer system and it's midnight. That’s when they flush the system. Poor Jason literally gets flushed away in the end. This is a classic through and through, but an instant fucking classic if you love some absolutely crazy shit like me. Certifiably AWESOME.
Instead of my patented “list of AWESOME,” I’ve opted into a list of “what killed them." Check it out.
- Harpoon gun.
- Harpoon bolt.
- Flying V guitar.
- Sauna stone to the stomach.
- Fist punch a mirror to make a shiv.
- Harpoon spear (I know, lots of harpoons... but we’re on a boat, remember?).
- Choke to death.
- Kid shoots a deckhand by accident, then:
- Electrocution by huge electrical panel.
- Thrown off the crow's nest, impaled by strategically-placed pointy boat objects (personal favorite).
- Teacher lady tries to help, leaves kids in restaurant, boat starts sinking, restaurant is gone. Nice.
- Crazy deckhand gets axe to back.
- Syringe through the chest of a junkie.
- Head through exhaust pipe.
- Toughest guy in school boxes Jason across a rooftop, then GETS HIS HEAD PUNCHED OFF (perfection).
- Chokes out a police officer.
- Nice teacher gets blown up in cop car explosion.
- Asshole teacher gets drowned in garbage juice with a dead rat floating in it (it's the little touches).
- Wrench kill in the sewers.
Jason Voorhees makes this one fun ride. Like, picture what this guy had to do to get to Manhattan. His diehard dedication to his goals of murdering everyone is admirable. He learns how to drive a boat, he rides a subway car, and he even gets in a boxing match of sorts. The man is a legend. Everything about this film is downright AWESOME.
Let’s say maybe you don’t like Jason Voorhees? Maybe you don’t like the fact that he kills pretty much everyone he meets. Maybe you don’t like that this is his eighth film and you haven’t been in a single one yet. Maybe you should stop writing your screenplay at Starbucks, grow a pair, and get out in the world and make it, just like Jason Voorhees did. A TRUE HERO.
Friday the 13th Part VIII makes you party like it’s 1989 and you’re going on a cruise to Manhattan. Except that cruise has an unstoppable (for the most part) killer on board who is slowly murdering everyone. It’s got everything: a huge body count, New York City, Jason Voorhees, and a conveniently-placed hockey mask advertisement (see below). Needless to say, watch this fucking film and enjoy it as much as I did.
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