Snow Shark: a Fun-Filled Off-Putting Thriller, Sans Snowmen
“We’re not just talking about an animal…She’s the Devil herself!”
Editor's note: Welcome to "Awesome Reviews," a column dedicated to the most ridiculous, over-the-top, and amazing films we can find. Note that this review contains spoilers, but that won't make you want to watch this classic any less, I assure you.
This one starts off with a dive; a really deep dive, into the depths of the Snow Shark’s domain. Sam Qualiana, director and writer of this 2011 insta-classic, puts the viewer in a trance-like state within the first 7 minutes of the film. Following the first few unsuspecting characters on the screen to their inevitable doom is thrilling. We don’t learn too much about these poor souls, but who cares? A fucking SHARK is SWIMMING through SNOW to eat them.
Right after this incident, we skip forward 12 years to a couple of silly kids looking to hook up in the woods – BAD DECISION. Fucking Snow Shark shows up and ruins this innocent little excursion. This moment is an important plot point that sets the rest of the film in motion. From here on we see a few things that I’ll list out below.
- A town hall meeting in which everyone, I feel, may have been legitimately confused. Love it.
- A shitty mayor who is “calling in a team of experts” to deal with this issue. Really got excited to see what came next here – turns out the mayor’s best moments involve a mug that says “World’s Greatest Mayor.” Great stuff.
- Fast forward a bit and we see a middle-aged sherriff get in an argument with his son. The son storms out in a tantrum and gets eaten by the Snow Shark. Served him right, the little asshole.
- The sherriff meets up with the “team of experts.” A couple of scientists and a fedora-wearing southern hunter that chooses to use a crossbow. To. Hunt. A. Snow. Shark. I nodded in approval here. Twice.
- A redneck who “killed one” (of the Snow Sharks) 7 years ago meets up with a pirate captain-esque character (eye patch and all) after his whole redneck hunting party is eaten by the Snow Shark. They get drunk then go hunting for the Snow Shark. Classic.
- The “team of experts” gets eaten pretty quickly after their “science” doesn’t yield any results. Standard.
- The sherriff and a scientist meet up with the redneck and the pirate captain, who becomes chum (pun intended) while the redneck uses a grenade (no explanation here – but loved it) to blow up himself and the Snow Shark. Phenomenal.
- Sherriff and scientist begin to walk away but, oops, turns out there are a lot more Snow Sharks! They start running and presumably get eaten.
- Last, we see the aforementioned redneck’s friend’s wife visiting her husband’s grave (he was part of the original redneck hunting posse that was eaten, remember?). She begins to walk away. Then, out of NOWHERE, we see a dorsal fin. IN THE SNOW. Cut to a zoom to her face and a scream. Best ending ever.
- Somewhere in all this there are a couple topless punk girls in a hot tub with some dudes – no explanation here, but whatever. They got eaten too.
SNOW. SHARKS. I happen to be a big fan of shark-related films. This one is no exception. There is no explanation as to how this ancient snow beast came into existence. No explanation as to why a bunch of rednecks and scientists choose to look for/hunt a SNOW SHARK by standing on the ground, where the shark is. No explanation as to how the pirate captain, after 12 years of studying the beast, did not realize there was a bunch of them. Last, but not least, no real ending in sight here from the terror that is the SNOW SHARK. Fuck it, you know?
Sit down and shut up. Watch the movie through the eyes of the people who starred in it. Sure, they definitely were not the best actors, did not have the best budget, and definitely did not have the best film editing, but I fucking loved it. Give credit where credit is due - hats off to the cast and crew for putting together this film and creating an IMDB page for it. The only issue this film might have had was that there wasn’t a “fat guy in a Santa suit” that gets eaten behind an auto garage by the Snow Shark. Oh, wait. That happened too. THANK YOU SNOW SHARK!
This movie is a fun 1 hour and 20 min if you appreciate the fact that a bunch of people got together to film a movie about Snow Sharks. They definitely did not have a high budget or acting lessons, but I totally appreciate that. They told the story of the ancient snow beast in such a way I found particularly amusing. I would have participated in making this one myself if they had asked. They probably had some good beer on set.
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