Self-Proclaimed Mass Murderer Already Demanding Body Recount After Reports of Low Casualty Rate

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MADISON — As if taking the life of one person wasn’t enough, serial killer Lazlo Balboni is demanding a recount of the 50-some-odd people he claims to have killed in the carnage that took place earlier today at East Towne Mall. At 12:51 PM, Balboni crashed a stolen SUV through the mall’s main doors and proceeded to run over several innocent shoppers before being forced out of the vehicle by several security guards. He was subsequently placed under arrest.

“That’s totally fake news,” said Balboni from his prison cell after hearing the fact he only killed five people in an incident that has been determined to be an isolated act and not one of terrorism. “I definitely ran over at least sixty or seventy people during my rampage. There’s no way in hell that so-called official number is correct. I’m demanding they go over the body count again to ensure nobody's missing. They must be laying around somewhere.”

Balboni’s request for a recount mostly fell on deaf ears and local authorities who processed his appeal cited it as futile and ridiculous. In fact, law enforcement officials were quick to verify only five body bags were transported to the hospital and the remaining inventory on-hand was accounted for in full. While sections of the mall where the incident took place remain closed to the public for police to continue their investigation, authorities have confirmed the area has already been inspected for additional casualties. The count has been confirmed as accurate.

“I could hear the screams and bones crunching underneath me as they begged for their pathetic lives,” asserted Balboni. “I’m definitely going to be speaking with my lawyer about this. Continue the count! This is illegal and they will not steal my big win from me. I’m the worst mass murderer Wisconsin and America has ever seen. End of story!”

At press time, Lazlo Balboni was considering taking his own life to increase the body count to a total of six after law enforcement officials decided to entertain his request for a recount. However, since a significant amount of time has passed since the deadly incident, it is too little and too late for this disturbed killer, as his death would have zero impact on the final outcome.

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