Dracula Confirmed to Supreme Court

The controversial nominee officially secured a lifetime appointment to the nation's highest court, despite having minimal judicial experience.

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

After a bitterly-fought partisan battle, Vlad Dracula has been confirmed as the next justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. In what many would call a rushed confirmation process on the eve of a historic election, opponents of the nominee had little hope for preventing this inevitable outcome. During a time when many Americans are already casting their votes in a year that could drastically change the current balance of power in the federal government, an expedited confirmation process took utmost precedence over numerous other important issues facing the country today.

Supporters of Dracula argued that having a complete, deadlock-proof court in place was paramount ahead of the election, largely due to current rhetoric surrounding the legitimacy of its upcoming results, while detractors decried the move based on the appropriateness of a lifetime appointment being made just months before a change in leadership might be in order. This lifetime appointment is particularly controversial due to the undead nature of the nominee, who is an immortal vampire destined to return time and time again with the powers of Hell on his side.

Discourse surrounding the entire event quickly turned toxic, with the Senate majority writing off criticism for the nominee as part of a "fake news plot aimed at destroying his reputation." Several opponents were accused of calling the unusually inexperienced judge a "bloodsucker," which Dracula himself agreed with to a point, but the bitter arguing did not subside long enough for him to clarify his position. The former count often found himself quietly sipping on his bottled blood while politicians argued on his behalf, rarely stopping to ask him any questions about his less-than-robust credentials in the judiciary.

Dracula was only recently appointed to the Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit, but his limited body of work hearing cases was far overshadowed by his reputation as a vampire, a topic that completely dominated the debates following his nomination. While this limited record invited plenty of scrutiny, opponents were instead fixated on the nominee's assumed positions regarding a number of specific issues, which are decidedly less important in determining his overall qualifications for the position, such as his past brutal killings and renouncement of God.

While many questions still linger regarding a lifetime appointment for a seemingly immortal figure who could live for centuries and return at will, these uncertainties were quickly brushed aside in favor of a simple majority of "Yes" votes aimed at permanently reshaping the ideology of the judiciary for the foreseeable future. While it remains to be seen how the vampire's appointment could affect the outcome of several prominent upcoming cases, the uncertainty almost certainly has not waned in the wake of his imminent swearing in to the nation's highest court, a process that took only a few short weeks.

At press time, Dracula was set to be officially sworn in to the Supreme Court of the United States when he suddenly turned into a bat and flew away in a panic after spotting a Holy Bible to be used for his oaths of office. Opponents quickly moved to argue in favor of selecting a new nominee after the upcoming election, while supporters insisted they proceed with the swearing in ceremony regardless of whether their confirmed selection was in attendance or would ever return. Reports quickly began to circulate that the Senate was considering rapidly expanding the court to make room for other Universal Monsters before the end of the current year.