Masked Serial Killer Urges Victims to Get Out and Vote
This is the most important election of our lifetime, regardless of which side of the political spectrum you might fall on.
The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.
Get out and vote. That's the message being spread across television, social media, and every other platform of relevance in the final weeks leading up to Election Day, and rightfully so. It is, after all, the most important election of our lifetime. That fact hasn't escaped local masked serial killer Leighton Boyd, who has been urging all of his recent victims to make their voices heard at the polls. Democracy takes all of us and it's important to get the word out, even to those just moments away from meeting a grisly demise at the business end of a rusted, bloodstained machete.
"Listen, I'm not here to tell anybody who to vote for; that's not my deal," Boyd explained to his latest victim, who lied writhing in agony in a rapidly growing pool of his own blood and entrails. "But know that participation is important–paramount, even–to any well-functioning democratic society. This is no time to get complacent, and while that's true most years, it's especially true now. Trust me. Making your voice heard is the most patriotic thing you could do, so I urge you to do your part and cast your ballot."
Indeed, responsible citizens on both sides of the aisle can be found expressing the very same message: Get out and vote! Whether you strive for progress or wish to protect that which you believe needs no improvement, and regardless of the weather, rain or shine, you should make plans to participate in this democracy. From current politicians and those still up-and-coming to celebrities and even serial killers, this is a message that bears repeating time and time again.
"I know we hear the same old thing every presidential election," admitted Boyd. "But I wouldn't be out here urging everybody to vote on my own time if it wasn't so important to me. It should be to you too. That's why I'm taking it upon myself to spread the word, even if it might be falling on deaf ears at times. Some people just don't want to hear it, while others are experiencing the last waking moments of their fragile existences as I rip their organs from their bodies. It is what it is, though. You can't control that, nobody can, but the overall message should resonate nonetheless. Voting matters!"
At press time, Boyd intently watched a local early voting location eager to see a positive turnout, only stopping to brutally murder a small selection of those leaving with an "I Voted" sticker proudly on display. While leaving the scene mask in hand, the serial killer's expression clearly radiated an immense gratitude for all who rose to the challenge of living up to their civic duty this election season.
More Reading
Adapting to Changing Technology Proving a Challenge for Aging "Ghostface" Killer
The timeless adage about teaching old dogs new tricks has never been more applicable to the slasher than it is right now.
Self-Proclaimed Mass Murderer Already Demanding Body Recount After Reports of Low Casualty Rate
This disturbed psychopath isn’t convinced he only slayed five people.
Dracula Confirmed to Supreme Court
The controversial nominee officially secured a lifetime appointment to the nation's highest court, despite having minimal judicial experience.
Unmotivated Gamer Now Taking Donations for Resident Evil 3 Remake He Won’t Play for Years
The ultimate fate of Raccoon City rests on the perpetually procrastinating shoulders of this one poor fool.
