Rotting Reviews: COVID-19 Not Even Mildly Entertaining, All Things Considered
This nasty, widely-hated virus is by far the worst horror event of the year.
The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.
Are you fed up with every waking moment seemingly revolving in some way around this dreary novel coronavirus? From affected work schedules to being unable to visit extended family you can’t stand even under normal circumstances, everyone has just about had enough of this virus. It’s time for a hero to stand up and call it as it is: COVID-19 sucks ass and easily ranks as the worst horror event of the year.
Instead of publishing actual horror reviews throughout the year, so much potential has been and continues to be wasted with this greedy virus hogging up everybody’s time and effort. At this very moment, you could have been reading our unfiltered thoughts on the season finale of The Walking Dead, or Ghostbusters: Afterlife later on this year in July, but neither of those pieces seem even close to ever being realized thanks to the coronavirus. This is one unprecedented horror event that has overstayed its welcome and needs to drop dead already. It’s so bad we’d even be open to reviewing a new Uwe Boll film if it meant momentarily escaping this miserable situation.
COVID-19 is not even mildly entertaining—it turns your immune system upside-down and leaves you feeling awful for weeks. The sensation is likely comparable to the time I was high on hydroxychloroquine, drank an entire bottle of bleach, and injected disinfectant directly into my bloodstream during the premiere of Jason Goes to Hell. Thanks to my sheer stupidity, Jason Voorhees wasn’t the only one who went to Hell that fateful night.
Can any of our readers think of a single good quality about this coronavirus? It somehow even blows at its aesthetic appeal, too. If we had to select between gazing at the Tooth Child from Channel Zero and this virus, we’d pick the former in a heartbeat. At least that repulsive creature appears relatively clean due to its abundant pearly white teeth, unlike COVID-19. which has proven itself to be a dirty, nasty, and insufferable piece of shit.
In summary, the novel coronavirus is a complete waste of time and we can’t even recommend it for the minority of you who enjoy terrible things. You’d be much better off watching a Lucio Fulci or Roger Corman cheese-fest than celebrating the non-existent appeal of this virus. Our final words to COVID-19 are simply: you suck.
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