Abandoned Vehicle on Highway Probably Belongs to Serial Killer

What kind of madness is going on in this town?

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

IDAHO SPRINGS - You’ve definitely witnessed at least once while driving down some lonesome highway a vehicle seemingly abandoned on the side of the road with the occupant(s) nowhere to be found. Where could they possibly be? If this is true for you, there’s a very good chance you just might be a key witness for an upcoming Unsolved Mysteries case and not even realize it, all while you continue driving past a potential crime scene like nothing is wrong.

“We’re seeing this kind of thing all the time now,” said Lee Barton, Chief of Police for the Idaho Springs Police Department. “A report comes in about an automobile that’s been abandoned on the highway for several days, but when our officers arrive at the scene, we can’t find anything but the vehicle itself. The other strange consistency is the bizarre deaths that seem to coincide with whenever one of these empty vehicles are found. There's always at least one.”

Giving credence to Barton’s last point is how just last week there were five home invasions in a single neighborhood near a wooded area. The families living in these houses were all killed in a shockingly grisly manner. As expected, there was an empty vehicle found along the roadway not even a mile away.

It’s now suspected that these recently-found abandoned cars belong to serial killers who have set up camp in the forest and are targeting, for whatever reason, the poor citizens of Idaho Springs in their lust for murder. What horrible thing did this town do to deserve this? Nobody seems to know.

“I saw one of ‘em wearing some kind of mask and carrying a machete around the time last week’s murders happened,” said Luigi Bagnoli, a fairly new resident to the town who is now thinking of moving once again. “I was kind of at a distance and couldn't get a good look, but I did observe somebody escaping into the forest. A few minutes later, one of the neighbors starting screaming up and down the street in a panic. I guess she found a dead body.”

At press time, the Idaho Springs Police Department announced they located the disfigured bodies of all of the vehicle owners in a large pit deep in the forest. Close to the corpses were hunting rifles, fishing rods, and other sporting items, which ultimately led investigators to retract their earlier theory in light of this new evidence. Clearly Idaho Springs has a much bigger problem on their hands.