Horror Writer's Attempts at Using Canadian English in Articles a Totally Hopeless Battle

Did this proud Canadian scribe really believe all of these extra letters would pass the editing table at an American publication?

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

SOUTHERN ONTARIO — In what could only be described as a strange gesture of unity with other disgruntled Canadian writers working for online news outlets based in the United States, Dead Entertainment’s own Michelle Kaotic truly believes her attempts at using Canadian English in her articles will somehow convince the site’s editor-in-chief, Chris Morse, to let it pass on the editing table.

“I’m proud to be Canadian,” Michelle said as she took a sip of her Tim Horton’s double-double coffee. “My word processor always recognizes them as mistakes, but those extra vowels in words like neighborhood and labor look absolutely correct to me. Those silly Americans think they can conquer our form of English, but I’m standing up for my rights and freedom of expression as a Canadian writer!”

When we questioned Michelle on why she simply couldn’t just move on to working for a Canadian horror publication, she remained silent in quiet protest and continued drinking her rapidly cooling coffee. I mean, who is this Canadian compatriot, anyway? She very rarely makes appearances in photos and has also remained somewhat elusive about her personal life during the time she’s worked for the site.

All we really know about her is that she runs a successful Led Zeppelin fan page, would instantly marry Kane Hodder if the opportunity presented itself, and has a son who probably hates horror conventions. Giving credence to the latter point is that most of Michelle’s social media photos depict her son forcing a smile while posing with notable figures from the genre. Why she doesn’t direct her son take photos of her with these celebrities remains a mystery—just like her.

“Why can’t [editor-in-chief Chris Morse] just let me have just one victory in one of my articles?” asked Michelle. “I just want to use words like harbor and favorite as they are spelled here in Canada. You know I don’t ask for a whole lot, eh? Come on! It’s Canada Day next week, for Pete’s sake. Show your Canadian readers the love and respect they deserve. Good grief.”

At press time, Chris Morse was once again correcting errors on a Canada Day-themed article submitted by Michelle Kaotic. The purging of unnecessary extra vowels in several words was only the tip of the iceberg. Will this insane Canadian woman ever learn that her absurd protest is all in vain?