Pathetic Horror Writer Still Can't Get to Bloodborne's First Boss

It has become clear this disgraced writer does not and will never moonlight as a professional werewolf hunter.

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

Dead Entertainment contributor Jay Gervais continues to struggle mightily with FromSoftware's acclaimed PlayStation 4 exclusive, Bloodborne. In particular, this incompetent nincompoop has failed time and time again on his quest to even lay eyes on the video game's first boss: the mighty Cleric Beast. Foiling each try is a pack of bloodthirsty werewolves, hungry to sink their teeth into the doomed hunter's flesh each and every time he reawakens in the monster-infested city of Yharnam.

"I just can't get past those dogs," Gervais said, shaking his head dejectedly when asked what the problem was. "I honestly thought I was getting the hang of this game as I made my way up to the bridge. Sure, the enemies were tough but I was managing, you know? Then the next thing I know, that 'You Died' screen popped up after I stumbled across two werewolves. I figured this would be a momentary bump in the road, but here I am years later and I still haven't been able to put down those mad dogs."

While those enemies are no joke, Bloodborne is a very flexible video game. Players have the option to build their characters many different ways and employ varying strategies to get the job done. Some players even run right past those werewolves to a nearby house on the left, heading downstairs and unlocking a door leading to a much welcome shortcut back to the Lamp. Sometimes the smartest strategy is to avoid a fight altogether, but this moron just couldn't get enough of the punishment.

"Again and again, I made my way back up to that bridge and went toe-to-toe with those relentless werewolves," continued Gervais. "I tried taking them on one at a time, and even tossed a couple molotov cocktails to see what would happen, but nothing kept these creatures from ripping my throat out every single time. I just don't think this is going to happen. If I can't make it past these mutts, what chance do I have fighting the first or even second boss? This is hopeless."

At press time, the disgraced writer was on the verge of permanently losing his credentials as a gamer and a man as he yet again plodded up the stairs to the bridge on which he would surely meet his demise once more. It would seem the city of Yharnam's only hope for salvation rests in the hands of one dimwit with unquestionably sluggish reflexes. God help them all.