Man Pumps Entire Life-Savings into Silent Hill Slot Machine, Completely Funds Remakes

This generous fan took it upon himself to completely finance three games for a total reboot of the series!

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

These are uncertain times with the continued spread of COVID-19 across the globe, but this pandemic couldn’t stand in the way of Lucio Battista, a longtime fan of Silent Hill, who spent his entire life-savings on a slot machine inspired by the franchise. This generous charity thereby resulted in Konami announcing it will be remaking the first three games in the series.

“I’m feeling pretty ecstatic right now,” said Battista, who was looking over his bank account and staring at his now-non-existent wealth. “Even though I’m completely broke and without a job, I know that I’ve made a lot of fans happy right now by financing not one, but three new Silent Hill games. Can somebody pat me on the back for this amazing deed?”

We then proceeded to tap him a few times on his back, only for him to snap into in a weeping panic shortly thereafter. “Oh my god!” the impoverished man exclaimed. “What have I done? I should have stopped myself from spending everything I had. I’m bound to pay dearly for this when I break the news to my wife and kids back home.”

It’s been a long eight years since Silent Hill: Downpour, the last notable entry in the series, but the news of remakes on the way is sure to make fans scream in joy. Nobody asked or even wanted a Silent Hill slot machine, but thank goodness for whoever approved that ridiculous project because we wouldn’t be where we are today without it.

Sure, we’ll probably find a lifeless Battista hanging from his ceiling by the end of the week, but his incredibly generous gift to the series will live on for years to come. Should the man go through with that unfortunate fate, we hope Konami would be respectful enough to give him praise in the ending credits for each title. Either way, they should probably thank him regardless!

At press time, bewildered fans and reporters at a press conference were left scratching their heads in frustration and anger after Konami announced the upcoming remakes would be exclusively developed as slot machines instead of for home video game consoles as everyone had previously assumed.