Official Synopsis for Horror Film Pretty Much Covers It

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

LOS ANGELES – Filmmaking newcomer Lambert Burns is hard at work marketing his upcoming horror movie, Guts, and he now believes he’s nailed down the perfect synopsis to send to news outlets. Typically, such an official description might set the stage for the film and touch on the basics of what moviegoers can expect while watching, but Burns was kind of on a roll and just kept writing.

“I always have a hard time coming up with these things,” he lamented. “I mean, there are so many surprises in this film that I’d hate to see someone not give it a chance because the synopsis sounded boring. So you try to include some of those moments so the reader knows what you’re going for, but it’s hard to pick just one and you end up cramming just a little bit more into it. You know what I mean?”

The end result is a synopsis that could only be described as a detailed summary of the entire film, from beginning to end, complete with thorough descriptions of every twist and turn the story takes. Even the ending’s big reveal is broken down on its own dedicated page, rendering an hour-and-a-half watch of the movie almost completely pointless in light of how much is given away just by reading about it.

“In the gripping final act,” the third page of the synopsis begins. “The identity of the true killer comes to light as the false sheriff is unmasked and his dark secret is revealed. Were it not for his hubris during his earlier showdown with our hitman-turned-hero, this villain might have escaped justice, but alas, thanks to a last-minute shift in judgment by his longtime accomplice, the tables are turned on the violent murderer and he falls victim to his own trap….or does he? Right at the end, a scream and stabbing sound are heard as it becomes clear the killer is still alive. This terrifying tale is far from over.”

“My main objective with this was to make sure I covered all the essentials,” Burns explained, shuffling his multiple-page document around on his desk. “Between the first and second acts, so much happens and it would be a disservice if I didn’t slightly allude to these events in the synopsis. I think there’s finally enough here for the reader to get the gist of what my movie’s about without giving everything away.”

At press time, horror fans who passed on watching this movie after reading the synopsis were eagerly looking forward to checking out the synopsis for the sequel.

More Reading

Adapting to Changing Technology Proving a Challenge for Aging "Ghostface" Killer

The timeless adage about teaching old dogs new tricks has never been more applicable to the slasher than it is right now.

Self-Proclaimed Mass Murderer Already Demanding Body Recount After Reports of Low Casualty Rate

This disturbed psychopath isn’t convinced he only slayed five people.

Dracula Confirmed to Supreme Court

The controversial nominee officially secured a lifetime appointment to the nation's highest court, despite having minimal judicial experience.

Masked Serial Killer Urges Victims to Get Out and Vote

This is the most important election of our lifetime, regardless of which side of the political spectrum you might fall on.