Learn Your Fate in This Week’s Horrorscopes

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

Let's not waste any time. You're getting killed off so read on to find out how.

Aries (March 21st - April 20th)

Your sign is the first one on our list and unfortunately for you, you're the first to go. Your exact date of expiration is April 12th, 2019. Therefore, that means if a sequel is announced for the new Halloween, you just need to accept that you will never see it. That’s right.

Now, just to add insult to injury, the unstoppable and immortal Michael Myers comes to stab you multiple times in the face while you’re taking a shit. We’ll purposely let you stew on whether it will be in a public washroom or in the privacy of your own home, though. You can plan all you want for this day, such as having an arsenal of weapons in your basement, but you will not escape your fate.

Taurus (April 21st - May 21st)

You die some time after Aries, but it honestly beats us when your exact date is. We know you really want to know but we don’t give a shit, so let’s talk about how you are buried alive by Captain Spaulding. That’s the clown from The Devil’s Rejects, in case you want to do your research and know that when you do see him, your time is up. He smacks you hard on the head with a shovel, which knocks you out cold, and then your body is dragged through a forest.

Some time after that, you are awakened by the sounds of the shovel digging into the ground. Your first predictable instinct is to get up and attack Spaulding, but you’re tied up in rope and can’t move at all. Not long after, you’re thrown into the pit he dug up and buried alive. At least he throws you a bottle of rum he emptied to keep you company, but only after he shoots you a few times with a rifle. Your body is never found and the police eventually close the case file on your disappearance for good.

The case file also gets lost and nobody ever bothers to follow up on it.

Gemini (May 22nd – June 21st)

You have a special connection with Jason Voorhees, since he’s also a Gemini and was born on June 13th, 1946. However, that’s not exactly what we’re talking about. One day in the distant future, you’ll be especially connected with him on a random Friday the 13th, when his machete attaches itself deep into your skull and you meet your swift end.

Whether you’ve got a love for camping and the outdoors or consider yourself a city slicker, Voorhees really doesn’t give a damn. This guy has walked through multiple types of terrain. Hell, he’s even been to outer space! Nowhere is safe. You can’t outrun or stop him. As a matter of fact, Jason Voorhees is coming for you right now. Maybe we’re lying about it being in the distant future and perhaps it’s even before Aries. Then again, maybe we’re telling the whole truth or at least half of it. We’ll let you decide.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 22nd)

It happens during Shark Week one year for you. You’re out swimming with some friends and suddenly you feel your body getting pulled from down below. It’s probably that shark from Jaws or maybe even some bloodthirsty piranhas, neither of which sound very pleasant.

You attempt to make a desperate escape for your life towards a nearby boat but it’s far too late for you. While you are being pulled onto the deck of the boat, you’re completely missing the lower half of your body and succumb to your injuries within minutes. Okay, so just never swim out in open waters again, right? Wrong. The creatures of the ocean will come for you no matter what you try to change. Have you not seen how this is possible in Sharknado?

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

You might be able to escape your fate if you never sleep or dream ever again. Both of those are actually impossible, so please continue reading about how you will die. You probably know what your killer looks like by now, since he’s already popping up in your dreams. He has a disfigured face, wears a red and green striped sweater with a fedora hat, and has a metal-clawed right hand. Sounds a lot like Freddy Krueger, doesn’t it? That’s because it is.

Oh wait, this person isn’t showing up in your dreams, you say? This is easily explained by you being awful at remembering your dreams. Anyway, Krueger is a sadistic serial killer and he tortures you slowly over the course of many years. He knows all of your worst fears and excels at exploiting every single one of them. Before you die, you’ll actually beg him to end your life. That’s how much of a nightmare experience it’ll be for you. It just gets worse if you actually reside on an Elm Street, and if you do, you may want to consider moving.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

One day, you’re just walking down a hallway and something suddenly smashes through a door behind you. You quickly turn around and in the split second before your death, you realize it’s a Hunter from the Resident Evil series. Not that it really matters to you anymore, but for everyone else, these things are human-animal hybrids, which were genetically engineered by the Umbrella Corporation for use as biological weapons. These creatures are deadly and should you spot one, you best steer clear.

Anyway, back to the unfortunate Virgo folks. Your head is cleanly sliced off by one of them, after which some flesh-eating zombies consume part of your remains. A few hours after that, somebody comes along and burns the rest of your body in fear you’ll resurrect as a headless zombie. Better safe than sorry, right?

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You awaken to find yourself in a cold and dirty room. You notice some blood splattered on the walls and the smell of feces in the air. You hear a set of speakers crackle as somebody comes on and announces that they want to play a game with you. Shit! You foolishly thought those Saw movies were works of fiction, didn’t you? Well, now you’re fucked. Immediately at the first puzzle, you drop the ball and it unleashes poisonous gas into the room.

Your exact date of expiration is October 29th, 2029, which appropriately celebrates the 25th anniversary of the first Saw movie. Your death scene will be featured in the latest entry in the series, of course. However, fans criticize it as the worst death sequence in the whole series. Now that you have this knowledge of the future, can you at least try to die better? Geez. Yes, you will die no matter what you do, so don’t disappoint your future audience!

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21nd)

Right off the bat, it’s not on Halloween and has nothing to do with Michael Myers. Whine all you want, but your killer isn’t too fond of crybabies, so you better shape up. His name will be Negan and you sure as hell will remember him after he smashes the brain out of your loved one’s head with his barbed-wire baseball bat, which you will learn he named Lucille.

Negan then leaves you with clear instructions on what you need to do for him and how he expects you to follow his orders. No exceptions! The deal is this: every week he comes by with his men and takes half of any of the new shit you manage to scrounge up, in addition to anything else that he may need. This will apparently be too difficult for you as time goes on and you too will get the bat.

Before that happens, though, he gladly takes a plate of spaghetti you had ready in the kitchen. Negan was hungry that day and so was Lucille.

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

You are the type of person who likes to travel to hot places for a vacation. Bad idea. Your resort soon turns into an all-out war between humans and an alien species known as the Predators. Every single person you went with dies first and then a gigantic Ultimate Predator stalks you for miles as you make a foolhardy attempt to flee on foot. You eventually reach a waterfall and with few other options, you leap from the top. As soon as you land, the waterfalls scoops you in and you drown to death.

You do at least have the option of fighting it, which also kills you, but at least you’d go down swinging! Fair warning, though, the Ultimate Predator brutally stabs you 62 times and slices off your left arm, but those hits won't actually kill you. You die after it throws you off the top of the waterfall. When you land, the water consumes you and you drown to death.

Either way, you are going to drown and it will suck balls.

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 20th)

You die on Christmas. A man dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, who suspiciously looks like professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, breaks into your home and brutally slaughters you. You first get body slammed to the ground and then he grabs an axe and smashes it into your chest. You somehow survive these initial attacks, which pisses off Santa, who then hops on his slay and tramples you to death with his reindeer.

At the very least, he leaves a sympathy card at the tree for your loved ones with the words “so sorry” etched on it with your own blood. Yes, he drinks the milk and eats the cookies you left him too.

Aquarius (January 21st – February 19th)

Ghostface murders you in the most horrible way possible. No, it’s not in any of the ways you’ve seen in the Scream films or its TV series. Something much worse than any of those. You will also most definitely know who it is behind the mask. It will also hurt really badly and for such a long period of time that it will feel like you’re waiting for an eternity for death to come. That is all.

Pisces (February 20th – March 20th)

It’s seems so unbelievable when you see it, but you witness a deranged chainsaw wielding man approach you at an alarming speed. You of course attempt to make a run for it and take shelter in a rundown farm house, which will be your fatal mistake. When you arrive inside, you’re in a state of excited delirium, which is only heightened by an usual family who happens to be home and sitting at their dinner table. They then invite you to have supper with them.

Completely confused by this new situation, you can’t help but suddenly ignore the events that happened moments prior and feel yourself moving towards the food at the table. You have a seat and just stare at the plate of food. A few moments later, blood begins to splatter onto the food... your blood. The chainsaw wielding lunatic, Leatherface, serves you up a clean decapitation.

Well, it's better to know than not know, right? Hopefully you are totally satisfied with your life up until this point and you are now looking forward to whatever death your zodiac sign has in store for you. We'll see you whenever you happen to meet your grisly end, which will likely be very soon.

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