Help! My Phone Has a Poltergeist!

We need some immediate tech support over here.

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

Somebody call the Ghostbusters because my phone has a poltergeist! The trouble started last week when I was scrolling through Facebook and minding my own business. Suddenly, part of the screen turned to static before a ghostly hand reached out and pressed the like button on a memorial post for a friend's deceased loved one. Talk about embarassing! I scrambled to hit unlike but the damage was already done. Soon I was the ridicule of my entire social circle for what was perceived to be a grossly insensitive act.

The trouble didn't stop there, either. Every time I took my phone out to check my email or respond to a text message, something strange would happen. During breakfast, I picked up my phone and my milk glass suddenly shattered. Cleaning up the mess put me way behind on my morning routine and soon I was late for work. As I was heading towards the front door, my manager called and all of my furniture began to slide around the house. I tried to explain what was going on before being told not to come in. I was fired because of this damn poltergeist.

Before you ask if I tried restarting the phone, don't waste your time. I did that right from the beginning and it turned itself back on with the same static as before. As if the phone problems weren't enough, my daughter was pulled through a portal to another dimension that appeared in her bedroom closet the other night, which I thought was surely related to the phone problem, but I was later informed this was a separate incident so that doesn't help narrow down much of a solution here.

With my daughter trapped in some other plane of existence, I'm just left here with a phone that only sometimes works. When the poltergeist isn't wreaking havoc, I can sometimes play a quick game of Candy Crush, but I can rarely sit down for an extended period of time without this dumb ghost pulling some of its bullshit. Seriously, is there any tech support around here?

Yesterday, I consulted with a spirit medium to see if she could help but it was just a scam. She was prattling on about some sphere of consciousness nonsense before proclaiming my house was cleaned of spirits, but I guess she didn't bother checking my phone because I still have this exact same problem today. Nice try, lady, but I know a hoax when I see one! Enjoy your 1-star Yelp review.

This whole problem reached a boiling point when skeletons and corpses began to rise from my backyard. Who knew that scrolling through Instagram could be such an all-around terrible time? As it turns out, I downloaded an app that was developed on an Indian burial ground and nobody has been able to help get rid of it. How can I uninstall this bogus app if my screen keeps turning to static?

Actually, now that I think of it, I'm due for a phone upgrade so I think I'll just go trade it in for a new one.