Pinhead Just Wants a Decent Night’s Rest

Can somebody please help this poor man out?

By The Rotting Corpse

The Rotting Corpse is a weekly satire column dedicated to poking fun at our many horror favorites. For daily horror news and updates, be sure to check out the Dead Entertainment home page.

Earlier today, we were all caught by surprise with a very loud knock at our office door. Thinking it was another infuriated delivery man having an issue locating our office, we sighed and proceeded to open the door. Unfortunately, it was an unexpected visit from Pinhead, a psychotic murderer who refuses to identify himself as a demon from Hell. He didn’t bother asking to come in and instead just barged his way inside. Everybody was startled, completely expecting some sizzling fresh-baked pizza delivery to roll in.

“Look, I only came here because I heard you guys report about stuff that matters," explained Pinhead. "Well, here it is. All I want is to a get decent night’s rest! I only do the things I do because I can't sleep with these pins on my head! Do you know what that feels like?! I just want the physical and mental suffering to stop.” He then started to sob loudly and instinctively went to cover his face, only to injure his hands after poking himself. “Oh God, see, this is exactly what I’m talking about,” the poor man exclaimed. It seemed apparent that he was in great distress. As we began to provide first aid for the wounds on his hands, we all started to pitch in and offer some ideas of our own. Unfortunately, none of them were of great help at all.

Pinhead seems to have tried every technique in the book to get a good night’s rest and beat his insomnia. He put to sleep our suggestions about attempting to rest upright or have his head dangle off of his bed without support. “I mean, sleeping like that isn’t good for anybody, so how am I any different?" he asked. "Okay, so not everyone goes around and murders people because they can’t sleep, but how many people do you know have pins all over their head? I tried your terrible dangling head suggestion and it only causes me excruciating neck pain.” The office cleaner, whose name we don't even know, was nearly his next victim after he suggested that Pinhead should simply buy a good pillow. “Pillows don't help one bit," he continued angrily. "All they do is leave a huge mess everywhere for me to clean up in the morning. To hell with it. Are you people going to help at all?”

Pinhead also mentioned that he’s tried a variety of different beds before recalling a traumatic experience he had with a water bed as a young man. “There was water going every direction, and I nearly drowned myself when the pins on my head got stuck in the bed material," he told us. "Thankfully there were a few Cenobites around to rescue me.” That must have triggered his post-traumatic stress, as he proceeded to storm out the office in a fit of rage, banging his pin-covered head on the way out the door.

Although we were unable to help Pinhead at the time, we’d like to turn to our readers for some advice. You’ll be doing a great deed by helping save the innocent lives that this troubled man is inevitably going to continue taking until his grave issue is resolved. We’re looking for immediate suggestions, but we totally understand if you need time to mull it over after a good night’s rest.